I seem to always write about negative emotions and how damaging they can be in relationships. This time, I’m not even talking about sexual relationships. This goes for families and friends as well. In my personal, expert opinion, a little positivity goes a long way. Positivity is underrated and often overlooked. Jim Norton says, “If your mind is full of negativity, than negativity is under your hat.”
In this post, I want to talk about moderation. I am absolutely a person who does not understand moderation. It’s unfathomable to me. I can’t comprehend it. I am just a redundantly adorable gentleman with an addictive personality. “Oh, you say one cup of coffee and a cigarette is good? I bet one hundred of those things is even more awesome than just one of those things.” That is a quote that I hear myself saying often. Exactly like that. In my life, homeostasis is a cruel joke.
The Taoists believe that moderation is a key to personal and spiritual development. If you think about it, there is nothing that cannot be moderated. More isn’t always better. However, some people even get caught up in moderating their moderation and they delve into a black-hole of self doubt and a downward spiral of paradoxical negativity.
The Morticia Addams quote pretty much sums up my entire point because everything is perspective. What is normal for one person might be insane for the other. Boundaries and moderation seem to be key. There is only one constant in the laws of nature and the universe; that law is that everything changes.
This post came from the idea that “Selfish” can be looked at as a good thing and I totally agree with the sentiment. Being selfish in certain ways can be life changing. However, it depends on the type of person who is trying to be selfish for the process to actually work. To me, I see a lot of people using the word as an excuse to not give another person the emotional availability that they deserve.
The trait of being selfish can manifest itself in weird ways. One way that I have encountered is when a person makes everything about them. When someone dies, are you more concerned for the death of your loved one and their family or are you more concerned that you no longer have a friend? When a couple gets married are you worried about what you have to wear? That is selfish in a bad way. Also, you are a egocentric jerk in the box.
Now, do not misunderstand me. I am not telling you to break up with someone or be a miser at Christmas (or Jewish Holidays that I don’t understand) and tell people that you are trying this new life changing experience of selfishness. What I am telling you to do is put yourself first. If you aren’t putting yourself first, you are going to have a bad time. If you don’t take care of yourself how are you going to take care of anyone else? You must be in a good place mentally, spiritually and physically for you to be available for your partner, dogs, kids, family, etc.
Is it weird that I put dogs before kids?
After I started thinking about the whole selfish versus selfless debate, my mind started racing. I guess the opposite of being “selfish to a fault” would be being “selfless with ulterior motives.”
This is something that I have been trying to consciously change in myself. I am always one to hold a door open for an female. I always stand up when a lady needs a seat on the train or subway. However, am I doing it because I’m a gentleman or because there is an attractive female watching?
That is the real question: Am I giving to be nice boy or giving because I expect something like a blow job in return? I know, for me, once I realized I was doing this and became aware of the situation it was a lot harder to do things with my sneaky ulterior motives because my conscience kicked in.
Here are some other healthy habits that can turn out to be a bad thing. As always, bullet points because I’m lazy with sentence structure:
- Hard Working v. Workaholic- There is a fine line between working hard to support your loved ones and never being there for them because you are constantly working.
- Honorable to a fault- This is a Game of Thrones reference. Look up Ned Stark if you do not understand what I am saying. I’m not explaining it but that dude is dead from being a right and just man. Nuff said.
- Funny v. Never taking anything serious- Are you a funny person? Always quick with a joke? Even at inappropriate times? Maybe you should stop using humor as a front and feel real feelings for once in your clown-life. Laughing at a funeral is a bit immature, friend. Maybe try just being there.
- Health Nuts- Being healthy and working out is awesome for you but I saw some show once where this guy was addicted to riding his stationary bicycle. No, he was straight. I swear. It was to the point that he started having health issues from riding bikes. He had his bike set up where he can accomplish tasks from it. What happened? Impotence, joint pain, etc. That is being healthy to a fault.
- Loving v. Smothering- This is pretty self-explanatory. I think everyone has encountered the person who loves so hard that they smother the person and usually that turns out worse than a Paul Walker joy ride. Am I right?
So to wrap all of this up, the key is moderation and boundaries. It is good to be healthy, hardworking, honorable, funny and selfish. It isn’t good to be those things to a point where it is hurting you and your loved ones.
Be aware of yourself and these things will be under control. Also, listen to those around you. Even if you hate that person. Sometimes you catch a knowledge nugget from someone you despise. Those people that loathe you will usually give you an honest character assessment. It’s funny how that works, yet it does. Usually your best friends and family will help make excuses for your defects of character, meanwhile your enemies will justly judge you and then, personal growth can be accomplished.
And as I stated in my picture with The Joker, careful what you wish for. If you want a loving, hardworking and independent girlfriend you might just get a smothering, selfish workaholic who has no time for you.